Transitioning from monogamy to polyamory requires an incredible amount of trust and commitment to one another. No matter how open to the lifestyle you are, it can be a bit of shock seeing your partner with someone else for the first time. And just like traditional relationships, polyamorous couples and triads can experience moments of jealousy. Here’s a few ways to deal…
Don’t Bring Up Past Transgressions
There may have been some dishonesty or mistreatment in the infancy of your relationship or a bitter fight that still haunts you, but don’t forget that you’ve already worked through these issues. You can’t continue to blame someone who has already atoned for their mistakes. Do your best to identify the cause of the jealousy; is it rooted in an insecurity, were one of your rules or boundaries crossed, are you simply reliving a moment where they hurt you? It would be an injustice to undo all of the hard work and energy you and your partner put into mending the relationship by allowing past transgressions to serve as triggers.
We often preach that communication is key to any successful relationship, but we also understand there’s a certain element of vulnerability that comes along with sharing your feelings. It’s much easier to internalize or avoid your partner until they notice that something’s wrong and then broach the subject. However, you need to be the one to address your concerns – this can be scary and uncomfortable but these are your feelings, so the onus is on you to fix the problem.
During this discussion bring up your boundaries and articulate your feelings. Clearly state what made you upset and why and what they can do in the future. It might be time to adjust or amend certain rules if you’re no longer comfortable with the arrangement (which is okay!).
Find A Healthy Distraction
Take your mind off of things for awhile. It’s easy to be consumed by thoughts and emotions if you’re left stewing. Hiking, biking, painting or building something can serve as an incredibly effective mental escape. Maybe stress at work is actually causing heightened sensitivity, maybe you’re not sleeping well which is causing irritability, maybe something else is at the root of these emotions. Give your mind a break. If after a few days you’re still harboring feelings of jealousy, then calmly sit your partner down and begin the conversation.
Have you dealt with jealousy in your poly relationship before? How did you handle it?